Memories are deceptive. One must question the first returns from the google search of your mind. The initial memories that begin to flow are highly edited. You have subconsciously removed bits and pieces from the stories of your past so that you ‘remember’ only an abridged director’s cut of life. When I look back on my past Dunedin flatting days, I experience overwhelming feelings of joy and contentment. I remember all the good times we spent sitting in the lounge chatting for hours. I remember the hours spent invading my flatmate’s rooms for discourse. All are pleasant memories. Comparing my new situation with this initial recall is dangerous. Only by peering further into the depths of my past can I bring back the memories of loneliness and unhappiness. These have been edited out of the basic picture. Only with these memories will I have a balanced picture.

And on the good news front I received in the mail an offering of a Bright Futures Top Achiever Doctoral Scholarship that has been certainly received with open arms. A few more dols for living and plenty for conferences. So yes, I will be leaving the country this year if only for a week or two.

Regrets

Too often I find myself to be indecisive. This was exemplified this week past. I was striding the corridors of my new place study with the goal to track down and photocopy a journal article necessary in the planning of my research. Drawing near to the entrance of library I then spotted someone in one of the many crowds of freshers (1st year university students) on the campus tour. They noticed me and noticed that I noticed them. I gave a wave of sorts. It was decision time, do I continue on my present course or do I tack to the left and verbally greet and welcome them to their academic facility of choice? While I was pondering this, my instinct took over. Before I knew it I was in the library down the steps in the basement surrounded by thousands of stale old books. My feet had made the decision before my mind had decided to the contrary. Within seconds I was cursing my indecision. Worry set in. I began to wonder what the other person was thinking. Did they think I was ignoring them? I attempted to assure them that this wasn’t the case via TXT but with no response. I then endured a few days of nagging regret.

This was not the first time I have regretted my indecision. A weekend this summer I was planning to meet up with Jason at his house in the prairie. On my journey out towards the middle of nowhere I passed a car containing two passengers resembling Jason and Roberta. What to do? Rather than turning around and trying to track them down, I carried on and waited 6 hours for them to return. Indecision can be costly and very frustrating.

Run

The past few days have been tormentuous. This of course coincides with the beginning of my PhD at Vic. I have been suffering periods of doubt throughout the summer regarding whether I have chosen the right thing to be doing for the next 3 years. It’s not so much the PhD but where I am doing it. My former supervisors’ words keep running through my head, reminding me of my ‘poor’ choice. I didn’t see it then, but now I am coming to realize more and more that they could be right. From the first day at uni the doubts and worries have been greatly intensified. I guess it’s partly due to adapting to a new environment, with new people and new ways of doing things. It is certainly amplified by talking to last years Honours students who are pretty much all going overseas to do their PhD. About six months ago I had never considered an overseas PhD to be on the cards but now I wished I had. I don’t know why I suddenly wish to disappear away somewhere. As a friend pointed out, if I did go overseas for my PhD it’s likely that I wouldn’t return. I agree with him on that. Three years out the loop and it’s pretty much impossible to crack back into it.
I fear I will have a subclass PhD. That is what I was warned about, but at the time I was blinded about it. I did base some of my decision on faulty reasoning, but what is done is done. In some ways I just want to pull out and run. Where to, who knows but I just want to leave it behind.
But if I reflect on it, a PhD is still a PhD and worth a fair bit. A Vic PhD may not help me get every position I want but I should stand a chance. And what do I want to obtain? Do I want to become a famous scientist? Do I want a Noble Prize? A NO on both accounts. What I do want to do is try to research something that is beneficial to humanity. I won’t cure cancer but I can help advance the field of research. After that I want to teach, I want to spread the love and interest of chemistry whether it be at tertiary or secondary level. Having a PhD opens academia to me. I may Professor Baird after all. But even more than my career, I just want a family, half a dozen kids and wife to love. If I can take care of them, it doesn’t matter what job I have even if that means I can’t buy anymore CDs (my current collection shall suffice). Through all these I want to live a Godly life. I want to bring help, healing and hope to those around me. If I can do that I shall be happy. So I guess there is no need to run off in the end.

My reading patterns are evident in the fact that every time I go to the library I basically asked to confirm whether I in fact still do exist. Maybe this will be the last time I am asked in awhile. Yesterday I borrowed four books from various authors: C S Lewis, Oscar Wilde, N T Wright and Dave Burchett. The last author was unknown to me but the title of his book grabbed me, “When Bad Christians Happen to Good People”. The back of the book reads:

“Help for those who have been harmed by Christians–and those who have inflicted the wounds. Throughout history, Christians have done considerable damage to others–both independently and in the name of Christ. Each time this occurs, one of God’s precious creations is wounded and the church’s witness to the world is grievously weakened. For years, unbelievers and Christians have rejected the church because of damaging encounters with a Christian, a Christian leader, or a group of Christians. No matter how much we wish to reverse the damage, however, we cannot reach the unchurched with the life-changing message of the gospel–nor can we protect those still within the body–unless we insist upon dramatic changes within our church communities. Targeting every person who has ever been hurt by a Christian–as well as those believers responsible for inflicting such damaging wounds–author Dave Burchett calls for a new way of relating that will bring healing to the church and transform our witness to the world.”

This was one of the most challenging and encouraging books that I have read. I recommend it to all. I think I might actually buy it and share it around.

If I were to have procured a new nickname recently it would have been ‘bookworm’. In the past three weeks I have read three books. I don’t believe I have accomplished this feat since the days of Spot and Dr Seuss. I suppose it is a symptom of the abundance of my free time. But I am thankful to rediscover the joy that is reading. My reading list is comprised of one classic, a recent non-fiction and a religious book, the last two of which were birthday presents.

Pride and Prejudice

After watching and enjoying the TV mini-series several times I decided that I should do Jane Austin the justice of reading her book. I can now associate with those readers who express their literacy delight with the occasional out-letting of laughter. Twas a most excellent read, recommended to all. I never thought that I would ever say this, BUT I think the book was actually better than the production, based on my most recent viewing.

The Five Love Languages for Singles

I was a little surprised to receive this book on birthday last. But after reading it, I decided it was time well spent. I think I had heard the idea of the ‘five love languages’ before but never read anything dedicated to them. Of the five love languages (Gifts, words of affirmation, physical touch, quality time, acts of service) I think I respond best to quality time. I shall now endeavour to discover and speak the primary love languages of those around me. You could all help by identifying your own ones.

Dude, Where’s my country?

Another enjoyable read on the most part. The Bush and Iraq sections were especially interesting and continue to solidify my disapproval of the current administration’s foreign policy. One area of disagreement I had was on abortion, as he is pro-choice. Yet I still don’t know how to deal with abortion, particularly with those who are contemplating having one. Past ways of dealing have been to show gruesome images, calling it murder or trying to convince the women that fetus is a baby albeit unborn. I guess that works sometimes but I wonder whether showing the love of a child would be more convincing. I wonder if we Christians entertain the same attitudes as aborters though not to the same degree. I have heard children been talked of as burdens and hassles. We choose not to have kids because we have things to do and things to see. We might be just as selfish at times.